4/20/15

My Life as a Failure


This semester has not been my best semester. In fact, it has been my worst semester as far as grades go, ever. Yup. Ever. It has been making me feel quite a bit like a failure. 

I get really hung up on success and failure. I have my entire life. I am constantly plagued by the thought, "You just aren't good enough." Enough. What is enough? Enough never seems attainable. Failure seems inevitable as I am a very imperfect person. 

However, the other day I realized something. Failure is good. As things have fallen apart in my life or as I have failed to attain goals that I really wanted, I've had to take a step back. When I take a step back, I take a look outward. It's amazing what failures will do to help me see the eternal scope of things. Failure makes me turn outward and turn to God. 

To God, I am never a failure. Yes, I make mistakes and have flaws. I commit sins and I fall down. But that doesn't make me a failure! It makes me human. And being human is part of this experience we call "life." We were sent here to this earth to gain a body and to learn from our failures and successes. I don't think that God's divine plan would include us being failures to Him. 

I am grateful that God sees me for who I am. He sees me for who I've been, who I am, and who I can become. He always loves me, even when the world sees me as a failure. I am never a failure to Him if I just keep trying. 

That final you bombed? Doesn't make you a failure. That class that you have to retake? Doesn't make you a failure. That job you didn't get? Doesn't make you a failure. You only become a failure if you allow the things you've failed to overpower your will to try again. 



4/5/15

That I May Be Whole

Almost two years ago, I set out to serve an eighteen month mission for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. I had so much hope and excitement in my heart as I set out to serve the Lord in Washington. I did not anticipate the struggles I was going to face on my mission. Honestly, I couldn't have. The depression I faced, the darkness I faced--it was all consuming at times. There were times when I felt I couldn't continue. I know that it was only through the testimony I had of Jesus Christ that I was able to press on when I just wanted to quit.

On this Easter Sunday, I want to bear my testimony of the resurrected Lord, Jesus Christ. He truly did live and He rose on the third day. With His resurrection, He overcame death. With His Atonement in the Garden of Gethsemane and on the cross, He overcame spiritual death. I know with all my heart that He felt all the pains and struggles that we all face. He felt my despair, my discouragement, my depression. Because I know that, I know that He understands and is always there for me. He knows my pain, my trials, my suffering. Through Him, I find peace and healing as I continue to fight my depression.

The day that the picture below was taken, which was the day I came home early from my mission, I felt so completely broken. Though at times I may crack and break, I know that He heals all my wounds with the wounds in his hands and side and feet. I am eternally grateful for the things Christ endured so that I may be whole.